It's been a month.

I said I was going to make a post and here it is.

It's been a month since SHINee's Jonghyun left us. The past month has been so surreal.

Like I mentioned in my last blog post, I had a hard time digesting the news of his passing. I kept hoping that it was some kind of stupid joke when I saw the news on my phone. In my mind there was no way someone who seemed so bright and cheerful on the outside could be hurting so much to the point of ending it all.

People keep saying that Jonghyun's depression was obvious since he kept mentioning it but as someone who has stopped following SHINee for a while now and only sees them when they have a comeback on music or variety shows, I had no idea at all that he was depressed. I guess it's my fault for not caring enough to know that behind his playfulness on screen lied a person who was hurting behind the scenes. 

The last time I saw him was on Weekly Idol. I remember being so happy to see them dance to Sherlock 2x the speed because that was my favourite song of theirs. Jonghyun was how I'd remember him being when he appeared on the show previously. Everyone was having a blast. So to go from seeing that image of him to seeing news of his death months later was... shocking. 

I keep going back to the same points, I'm sorry. I just don't know how to formulate everything into one coherent er, essay.

So instead, I'll do what I always do: write a letter.

Dear Jonghyun,

When I was in High School, there was a point in time where I liked SHINee so much that I would anticipate your appearances on music and variety shows. But being a noob, I thought that you were named "JongKey" at first until my friend told me that it was a combination of yours and Key's name. Silly right? 

Then I fell out of love and stopped following you guys that much. I'd see you guys on Weekly Idol from time to time and have a good laugh. Remember when you guys went on SNL Korea and recreated Minho's introductory rap? That was really really funny and nostalgic. This just shows that I never really did cut you guys completely out of my life.

I don't know how I'll feel when I see SHINee on variety shows again in the future and notice that you're not there with them anymore. 

I won't ask you why you chose to leave. I just wish that you are happy wherever you are now and that you're not hurting anymore. For someone who was my source of happiness during my tumultuous High School years, even for a brief period of time, I am sorry that I couldn't have been the same for you. Please, be happy, not for anybody's sake but for yours.

We will miss you and remember you in our hearts, Jonghyun. 
So please rest well.

You've worked hard.

As much as I envy you for having the courage to leave, I will carry your spirit and keep on moving forward for as long as I live. 

Thank you and goodbye.

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Quick Update! 10 | 01 | 2018

Just a quick update because I've realised that I've neglected this blog for quite some time!

• I have an mpu exam this coming Friday but I don't really want to study for it because it's not worth it and my course work will probably be enough to let me pass anyway.

• My 20th birthday is coming soon! It'll be time to say goodbye to my 1x years and welcome my 2x years, I'll try to enjoy my 20s before my 30s arrive.

• To be honest, December 2017 and the past week have been really rough for me. I've been depressed almost every week but I'm trying to cope with it by buying stuff on impulse. The night after Jonghyun ( R.I.P ) left, I decided on a whim to buy temporary tattoos because I couldn't handle the pain of it all. I was depressed even before the news and after that was just... rough. Anyway, fate tried to stop me from buying the tattoos because I had a problem with payment and the debit card's website being closed for maintenance until 12 am but I persisted and eventually bought it at 1 am. The tattoos are now sitting in my cupboard.

• Also related to my impulse buying habit, my aunt gave each of us RM100 to buy ourselves Christmas presents and I haven't used mine yet. I'm thinking of buying Infinite's new album tonight because it's been I think, 5(?) years since I bought their Paradise Repackaged Album ( which at the time cost me around RM50 but now it's RM180??? ). I have people around me saying "oh what's the use of buying albums in this day and age" but like, there's something special about owning a physical version of the songs of the group you love. Not trying to shade GD or anything but I'd much rather have an album that I can flip through without having to turn on my laptop and plug in the USB. Most of the time, I don't have the mood to go on my laptop when I'm depressed.

• I miss my college's computer lab. #BringBackTheCompLabB*C2018

• I really want to pierce my ears for some reason. And it's been 2 years doc, when can I take off my braces? I miss seeing my teeth without them.

• Wanted to try wearing contacts for a change but my right eye's astigmatism is too high so it's quite blurry. I don't think I'll be able to wear them often because it's so inconvenient to have a blurry eye. Maybe I shouldn't wear contacts... Or maybe I should just buy daily ones?

That's it for now! I still have to study for MPU so I'll just end the post here. 

Here's to a better year and hopefully 2018 will get me out of the funk I've been in for the past month.

Oh and I'm still going for piano lessons by the way. I don't know how long I'll last but we'll see. My teacher keeps pushing me to perform and I kind of messed up the last performance but it wasn't as bad as the last one, hehe.

Till the next post, bye!

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Sadness?

Yesterday ( 18th of December 2017 )... SHINee's Jonghyun committed suicide.
May his soul rest in peace.
I'll save my thoughts on his passing away for a separate post because I need to get some stuff off of my chest first.

I don't have clinical depression. At least I think I don't based on what other people go through even though cases may vary between different people. Like there's always a reason for me being depressed, I don't need medication, and other stuff to prove that I don't have it. Yet whenever people like me who aren't diagnosed with clinical depression tweet or talk about being depressed, others would just think we are "attention seekers".

I can't speak for everyone but yes, whilst I do tweet about being depressed to "seek attention", I mostly do it to get rid of the negative energy building up inside of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and I'll continue to cry myself to sleep. But when morning comes, you won't be able to see the me who posted those tweets the night before because I- along with others - have noticed that when I'm depressed, I get super cheery the day after. Like, laugh-at-everything-even-the-non-funny-jokes type of "cheery".This momentum would last about a few days before it'll come crashing down and I'll fall into the dark pit again. 

What I'm trying to say is, don't take away people's only platform to rant their feelings. If you think we are "seeking attention"  and that we should stop because "we aren't clinically depressed and aren't on medication every day", you most likely wouldn't be able to say the same when you see us in person. It would be as if those tweets or statuses didn't exist. Most of the time, we just wanna vent our thoughts without caring about who will see what we wrote. So no, we aren't always seeking attention, and even if we were, why is that a bad thing? Why is it that people with depression are encourage to seek help but when it comes to us "normal depressed folk", we aren't entitled to?

My thoughts are really messy right now, I can't think straight.

Even though I don't think about dying every day, and I'm not in pain every day, when it comes, it hurts. "It" as in the wave of sadness and despair. I've spent countless nights crying, sometimes loud enough to be heard from outside yet when I got older, no one bothered to knock on my door and ask if I'm okay. There were times I couldn't handle the sadness and wanted to let the physical pain take over, yet being the coward that I was, instead of taking a blade to the arm, I used a thumbtack instead and pierced my arm not too deep but deep enough to draw a little bit of blood and leave scars. Sometimes I'd accidentally forget about the scars and wear short sleeved shirts, but whilst I would eventually realise that my scars were visible, no one ever asked about them. 

I try to be happy for everyone's sake, I really do. But it's hard.
It's so hard to keep smiling and texting as if everything's okay. I don't even know if my efforts are worth it to be honest since no one cares about me anyway.

I don't know.

If one day, I finally have the courage to leave this world on my own accord, I hope that someone will find this blog post of mine and hopefully be able to understand why I chose to leave the way I did. 

But until then, I'll just have to deal with whatever comes my way, I guess.

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Short Story based on my dream:

A dark, underground subway platform, its floors lined with equally distant squares of bricks that had dirt and plants in them, their heights reaching up to that of my waist. Not a very practical design, but they did give a touch of colour to the otherwise black and grey area.

I walked beside Zhao Tian Yu on the narrow walkway, a group of our peers following from behind. We were making small talk to pass the time in the dimly lit platform.

"How many watches do you have?" He asked, in our shared mother tongue that was Mandarin.

My brows wrinkled as I tried to recount the number. "Hmm, two I guess? But only one of them is functioning." He nodded his head at my reply and we continued walking, to where exactly was a mystery to me.

I didn't notice when he started to increase his pace until it was too late. In the span of a few minutes, Zhao Tian Yu went from walking by my side to running at full speed into the part of the platform that wasn't lit at all, leaving me behind without any sort of explanation as to his sudden behaviour whatsoever.

As shocked as I was, I quickly regained my senses and started to chase after him, my feet soon aching from the speed I was going. 

"Zhao Tian Yu! Zhao Tian Yu!" I yelled over and over again, in the hopes that he'd stop in his tracks, my energy depleting as I continued to do so. He however, kept on running ahead at the same speed, if not faster, as if my incessant screaming was either not loud enough to reach his ears, or not enough to make him snap out of whatever trance he was in. 

I watched helplessly as the darkness began to consume his tiny, advancing figure like a hungry monster devouring its first catch of the day and silently cursed myself for not being able to run any faster than I was, for it seemed as though I wasn't going to make it, wasn't going to save him from getting eaten. Eyes watery, hair messy, I fought against the urge to stop and pushed forward.

It didn't take long before he was completely out of my sight, much to my horror. I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to process the thought that he was gone. My sanity was slowly slipping away as I frantically tried to think of ways to get him back.

Just then, I heard a cry. "The wolf is coming!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and turned around to face the group of people who had trailed behind us in the beginning. Each and every one of them looked frightened upon hearing those words being uttered. Their loud chats quickly turned into quiet whispers, but instead of walking to safety, they simply stood in place, making me wonder if these people weren't as afraid as they seemed to be. 

My curiosity was satisfied when out of nowhere, a tiger appeared on the platform. Yes, a tiger. Its presence brought upon a calming effect to everybody which was evident by the loosened expressions on their faces. Well, everybody except me that is, for that friend of mine was still missing and a part of me told me that something awful was going to happen. No wonder they weren't scared of this "wolf" though, because a tiger was there to protect them.

The tiger roamed the platform aimlessly, the "wolf" nowhere in sight just yet. Was there even a wolf? Or was it just another case of "the boy who cried wolf"? I was agitated. My best friend was missing yet this "wolf" comes and jumbles up my thoughts even more, as if they weren't jumbled enough in the first place. 

Suddenly, I spotted 2 figures running towards us. A human figure and an animal one to be exact. The human was running at a lightning speed, making it almost impossible for me to get a good glimpse of his or her face. The animal's speed was no slower than the human's, the distance between them growing shorter with each second.

My heart leapt out of my chest when I was finally able to discern the human's face. It was none other than my missing best friend - Zhao Tian Yu, and the animal that was pursuing him was the wolf itself. 

Before I could do anything though, the wolf pounced onto him, bringing him to his knees and sank its teeth into him. I froze, not knowing how to react to the situation. A brave soul tried to pry the wolf off of him by putting his arms around its body and pulling it, but the bloody animal just wouldn't let go. Even as Zhao Tian Yu himself kept struggling to break free with a pained look, the wolf stuck to him like glue, refusing to give up on its prey.

The blood trickling down his arm was enough to trigger something within me. An overwhelming feeling of anger soon replaced that of despair, and forthwith I chanted what seemed to be a spell in a foreign language. It felt like I was being possessed at the spur of the moment.

The next thing I knew, we were back to seconds before the wolf's attack happened. When the wolf was about to make its move, I hurriedly pointed my wand - which origins were not of my knowledge - at it. Instantly, the brave soul from before body slammed the wolf and 
subdued it just before it could get to Zhao Tian Yu as the latter came to a halt, his knees giving way the moment he stopped. A few people came to his aid, lifting his head up to let him breathe more easily as well as checking on his condition.

I observed him from afar, the light shining down on his face making it clear for me to see, not wanting to go over just yet. The guilt from almost losing him was eating away at me from the inside. What if I hadn't been lucky? Would he be... dead? Was I really that useless of a friend?

And where was the tiger when you needed it anyway?

Closing my eyes, I decided it was my turn to be ingested by the monster.

The monster that was darkness.

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Update 04 | 09 | 2017

Hi.

It's the night before the start of uni and I decided, hey, why not write a blog post before I go to sleep since I probably wouldn't be able to sleep anyway even if I went to bed early.

My thoughts are quite jumbled right now so this post is going to be much more random and messier than my last few posts, as if they weren't random and messy as well, heh.

A2 was... to say the least, a fairly okay ride. I did not have as much breakdowns as I was expecting myself to have since A Levels is notorious for being hard. Admittedly, I got very very scared when I failed my mocks just a month before the actual exam and those were when my breakdowns would happen but other than that, it was a pretty smooth first half of the year.

Wow, let's talk about results day shall we? It was a day which started off fine, I went to Midvalley in the afternoon, had an expensive lunch which hurt my purse and my poor heart ( I had no choice as I went with my friend and her friends whom were craving western food ), then queued up at Chizu for almost an hour just to get a drink ( in my defence, there was a buy 1 free 1 offer ). Just before I got to order my drinks though, the people before me were so slow that I couldn't help but get frustrated since it was time for us to collect our results.

I remember that moment very clearly, the moment I waited in queue to collect my results. There were surprisingly only 3 people before me, unlike the last time when I waited at the back of the room for my turn. As I stepped up to take the results slip from the lecturer who sat in front of me, my heart was pounding in my chest. It wasn't until I saw her smile and congratulate me when I finally let go of the breath I didn't even know I was holding, and took a glance at the slip.

3 Bs. 

I hid the smile that started to creep onto my face, refusing to leave no matter how hard I tried, behind the piece of paper, out of consideration for those who weren't as pleased with their results as I was. To many, 3 Bs might be disappointing, but to me it was enough. Flashbacks to the days where I would come out of the exam hall feeling like I did not do that well, feeling as if the highest I would score was a C, as well as feeling really tired and useless came to mind. Indeed, 3 Bs was beyond my expectations.

I was satisfied with my own results, yet the people around me... weren't.

"How could you aim so low?"

"No As?"

"But your friend got As."

I bet the ones who said that to me to this day don't know, how rough the night was for me.
Truth be told, I wanted to end it all then and there, but my own cowardice held me back. 
So, since I couldn't do what I didn't have the guts to do, I searched for an alternative: I decided to let the physical pain override the emotional one. Yet, even that didn't do the trick.

To this day, I feel like a part of me died that night. 

You might think I'm being over-dramatic but... Results days have always been my weakness since they all ended with me sinking into despair during the night, all because the people around me weren't satisfied with my results when I was fine with them. I thought that since I got 3 Bs this time, the day wouldn't end the same way as when I got my results for SPM and AS.

What a silly thought.

Anyway, I'm sorry for such a heavy update. I usually get very emo during the night. 

I want to end this post on a positive note...

Worry not, as I'll try harder to become a stronger person, I promise.

And to the people who are going through what I am going through, I can't promise you that things will get better, because even I'm not so sure of that, but all I can say is: Live for yourself, not for others, which is basically: be selfish if you have to. That's how I survived that hell of a week and I hope that it will help you survive as well.

Let's hope the next post will be a happier one, shall we?

Till the next one,

Bye!

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My K-Drama Recommendations ( for now, will add more later )

In no particular order:

White Christmas

Genre: Mystery, Thriller

Setting: High School  

Deep in the mountains of Gangwon, the private, elite Soo-sin High School is attended by the top 1% of students in the country. Their stellar marks are the result of constant pressure and a strict punishment system, to the point where students avoid any activities outside of studying. It is in this atmosphere that seven students and a teacher remain at school for the winter break, joined by Kim Yo-han (Kim Sang-kyung), a psychiatrist who was forced to take shelter with them after he was injured in a car accident nearby. Stranded from heavy snow, they spend eight days together ― from Christmas Eve to New Year's Day.

Park Mu-yeol (Baek Sung-hyun) is an honor student who chooses to remain in school during the winter break after receiving an abusive letter. Jo Young-jae (Kim Young-kwang) is a detested bully who attacks other people to hide his inferiority complex. Yoon Soo (Lee Soo-hyuk) is a disturbed, but rich student fronting a rock band. Yoon Eun-sung (Esom) was once a popular girl in school before having a sudden change of personality.^[3]

At a time when everyone else is celebrating the holidays, the students realise that the anonymous letters they each received were not the result of a harmless prank; there is a murderer in their midst. A question lies unspoken: Are monsters created, or are humans born monsters?^[4]

My thoughts: This is the kind of drama that gets you to reflect on your morals in all of the episodes so if you're the kind of person who doesn't like using their brain juices when watching dramas, I think this drama will only bore you. Also, this drama does not have romance in it but it does have some comedic moments to lighten up the atmosphere when things get too tense. Though there's no romance, I find the bonds that are formed between the characters as the drama goes on to be quite heartwarming. The last episode had me in tears. Actually, most of the episodes did.

My friends have asked me about the type of ending that White Christmas has. I responded by saying that it's all a matter of perspective. To me, the drama had a good ending, but that's just because I have a twisted mind and morals that aren't black and white. 

"On the night when Christ was born, I curse you."

 Hello Monster

Genre: Thriller, Mystery, Police Procedural, Romance

No specific setting, mostly in the police station iirc.

Genius profiler Lee Hyun (Seo In-guk), returns home to Korea after something from a case he’s been sent triggers a memory he thought he’d lost forever. Unbeknownst to him, one of his team members, Detective Cha Ji-an (Jang Na-ra), has been investigating him for some time. She is aware that his father was murdered and his brother disappeared under mysterious circumstances involving a criminal named Lee Joon Young (Do Kyung Soo) -- whom they both want found and incarcerated. Each seeks to unravel the other, unaware that they’ve been drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse by a master player and that both truth and evil are closer and far more twisted than they think.

My thoughts: THIS DRAMA was just... amazing. The cast was amazing, the storyline was amazing-- basically everything was AMAZING imo ( even though I felt like the romance was a bit unnecessary ) . You will feel the pain that each of the characters had gone/are going through and it will hurt. I dare say that you will even sympathise with the criminal that is Lee Joon Young. 

Ah, the mind games in both White Christmas and Hello Monster... In both dramas, the predator is always looking for the answer to his question ( one using a more extreme way than the other ):

"Are monsters born? Or are they created?"

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Update 31 | 12 | 2015

I must confess, blogging on a regular basis is not my thing. Shall we start?

1. I went to Cambodia on the 11th of December and came back on the 16th of December. Now, I have to admit, I was pretty scared of going there for a few months prior just because pretty much 60% of the blogs that you'll find about Cambodia are saying negative stuff like " Oh I was robbed in Cambodia" or " Oh Cambodia is not safe any longer " or " Cambodia people are a bunch of pickpockets ". 
I'm going to go into rant mode now:

WTF IS THIS OKAY THIS IS NOT OKAY.
WHY ARE THE TOP BLOGS ALL SPOUTING NEGATIVE SHIT WHEN IN ACTUALITY, CAMBODIA ISN'T EVEN AS SCARY AS THEY MADE IT OUT TO BE. LIKE WTF, I WAS SO SCARED TO THE POINT OF WANTING TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT JUST BECAUSE EVERY-FREAKING-BODY CHOSE TO EMPHASISE ON THE NEGATIVE ASPECTS OF THEIR TRIP INSTEAD OF THE POSITIVE ONES.

Cambodia, or Siem Reap to be more exact, is not scary depending on how you view it. The people there are friendly, the streets are relatively safe ( even Angkor Wat is quite safe I'd say ), the food there is quite tasty ( I liked the Khmer food but my mum wasn't a fan of it ) and cheap ( well, depending on which country you're living in... ) and so forth ( DID I MENTION THERE'S WIFI IN ALMOST EVERY RESTAURANTTTT ).

It really depends on how you look at things. Scary or not, you be the judge.

tl:dr Cambodia is a great place to visit and isn't as scary as other bloggers make it out to be. Oh and be prepared for the weather there 'cause it was veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hot. 

2. Then I went to Singapore on the 25th of December and came back on the 27th of December and although it pains me to say this but, I was really let down when I got there.
The shopping malls were too small for my liking and the food there was just not up to my standards and I could go on and on but it would be too disrespectful so I'll just stop here. Maybe it's because I'm not a Singaporean so that's why I didn't get to go to any tasty places to try out their foods??? I don't know. All I know is that I was so disappointed throughout the 2 days I spent there.

We didn't even go to Universal Studios because it was so expensive... Hopefully I'll be able to go to Osaka's next year, heh.

3. It's 12:25am now, which means it's the last day of 2015...

You know what 2015, I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss my days in High School as a Senior.

I'm going to miss my friends.

I'm going to miss being able to screw up and hide under the "she's just a teen" tag.

I'm going to miss being worry-free about my life.

I'm going to miss not having that many responsibilities.

I'm going to miss having my parents pay for everything 'cause I don't have a job.

etc...

And most of all,




I'm going to miss being a teenager.

Thank you 2015, for being such a great year. 

Thank you.

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