Update 04 | 09 | 2017

Hi.

It's the night before the start of uni and I decided, hey, why not write a blog post before I go to sleep since I probably wouldn't be able to sleep anyway even if I went to bed early.

My thoughts are quite jumbled right now so this post is going to be much more random and messier than my last few posts, as if they weren't random and messy as well, heh.

A2 was... to say the least, a fairly okay ride. I did not have as much breakdowns as I was expecting myself to have since A Levels is notorious for being hard. Admittedly, I got very very scared when I failed my mocks just a month before the actual exam and those were when my breakdowns would happen but other than that, it was a pretty smooth first half of the year.

Wow, let's talk about results day shall we? It was a day which started off fine, I went to Midvalley in the afternoon, had an expensive lunch which hurt my purse and my poor heart ( I had no choice as I went with my friend and her friends whom were craving western food ), then queued up at Chizu for almost an hour just to get a drink ( in my defence, there was a buy 1 free 1 offer ). Just before I got to order my drinks though, the people before me were so slow that I couldn't help but get frustrated since it was time for us to collect our results.

I remember that moment very clearly, the moment I waited in queue to collect my results. There were surprisingly only 3 people before me, unlike the last time when I waited at the back of the room for my turn. As I stepped up to take the results slip from the lecturer who sat in front of me, my heart was pounding in my chest. It wasn't until I saw her smile and congratulate me when I finally let go of the breath I didn't even know I was holding, and took a glance at the slip.

3 Bs. 

I hid the smile that started to creep onto my face, refusing to leave no matter how hard I tried, behind the piece of paper, out of consideration for those who weren't as pleased with their results as I was. To many, 3 Bs might be disappointing, but to me it was enough. Flashbacks to the days where I would come out of the exam hall feeling like I did not do that well, feeling as if the highest I would score was a C, as well as feeling really tired and useless came to mind. Indeed, 3 Bs was beyond my expectations.

I was satisfied with my own results, yet the people around me... weren't.

"How could you aim so low?"

"No As?"

"But your friend got As."

I bet the ones who said that to me to this day don't know, how rough the night was for me.
Truth be told, I wanted to end it all then and there, but my own cowardice held me back. 
So, since I couldn't do what I didn't have the guts to do, I searched for an alternative: I decided to let the physical pain override the emotional one. Yet, even that didn't do the trick.

To this day, I feel like a part of me died that night. 

You might think I'm being over-dramatic but... Results days have always been my weakness since they all ended with me sinking into despair during the night, all because the people around me weren't satisfied with my results when I was fine with them. I thought that since I got 3 Bs this time, the day wouldn't end the same way as when I got my results for SPM and AS.

What a silly thought.

Anyway, I'm sorry for such a heavy update. I usually get very emo during the night. 

I want to end this post on a positive note...

Worry not, as I'll try harder to become a stronger person, I promise.

And to the people who are going through what I am going through, I can't promise you that things will get better, because even I'm not so sure of that, but all I can say is: Live for yourself, not for others, which is basically: be selfish if you have to. That's how I survived that hell of a week and I hope that it will help you survive as well.

Let's hope the next post will be a happier one, shall we?

Till the next one,

Bye!