Yesterday ( 18th of December 2017 )... SHINee's Jonghyun committed suicide.
May his soul rest in peace.
I'll save my thoughts on his passing away for a separate post because I need to get some stuff off of my chest first.
I don't have clinical depression. At least I think I don't based on what other people go through even though cases may vary between different people. Like there's always a reason for me being depressed, I don't need medication, and other stuff to prove that I don't have it. Yet whenever people like me who aren't diagnosed with clinical depression tweet or talk about being depressed, others would just think we are "attention seekers".
I can't speak for everyone but yes, whilst I do tweet about being depressed to "seek attention", I mostly do it to get rid of the negative energy building up inside of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and I'll continue to cry myself to sleep. But when morning comes, you won't be able to see the me who posted those tweets the night before because I- along with others - have noticed that when I'm depressed, I get super cheery the day after. Like, laugh-at-everything-even-the-non-funny-jokes type of "cheery".This momentum would last about a few days before it'll come crashing down and I'll fall into the dark pit again.
What I'm trying to say is, don't take away people's only platform to rant their feelings. If you think we are "seeking attention" and that we should stop because "we aren't clinically depressed and aren't on medication every day", you most likely wouldn't be able to say the same when you see us in person. It would be as if those tweets or statuses didn't exist. Most of the time, we just wanna vent our thoughts without caring about who will see what we wrote. So no, we aren't always seeking attention, and even if we were, why is that a bad thing? Why is it that people with depression are encourage to seek help but when it comes to us "normal depressed folk", we aren't entitled to?
My thoughts are really messy right now, I can't think straight.
Even though I don't think about dying every day, and I'm not in pain every day, when it comes, it hurts. "It" as in the wave of sadness and despair. I've spent countless nights crying, sometimes loud enough to be heard from outside yet when I got older, no one bothered to knock on my door and ask if I'm okay. There were times I couldn't handle the sadness and wanted to let the physical pain take over, yet being the coward that I was, instead of taking a blade to the arm, I used a thumbtack instead and pierced my arm not too deep but deep enough to draw a little bit of blood and leave scars. Sometimes I'd accidentally forget about the scars and wear short sleeved shirts, but whilst I would eventually realise that my scars were visible, no one ever asked about them.
I try to be happy for everyone's sake, I really do. But it's hard.
It's so hard to keep smiling and texting as if everything's okay. I don't even know if my efforts are worth it to be honest since no one cares about me anyway.
I don't know.
If one day, I finally have the courage to leave this world on my own accord, I hope that someone will find this blog post of mine and hopefully be able to understand why I chose to leave the way I did.
But until then, I'll just have to deal with whatever comes my way, I guess.
May his soul rest in peace.
I'll save my thoughts on his passing away for a separate post because I need to get some stuff off of my chest first.
I don't have clinical depression. At least I think I don't based on what other people go through even though cases may vary between different people. Like there's always a reason for me being depressed, I don't need medication, and other stuff to prove that I don't have it. Yet whenever people like me who aren't diagnosed with clinical depression tweet or talk about being depressed, others would just think we are "attention seekers".
I can't speak for everyone but yes, whilst I do tweet about being depressed to "seek attention", I mostly do it to get rid of the negative energy building up inside of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and I'll continue to cry myself to sleep. But when morning comes, you won't be able to see the me who posted those tweets the night before because I- along with others - have noticed that when I'm depressed, I get super cheery the day after. Like, laugh-at-everything-even-the-non-funny-jokes type of "cheery".This momentum would last about a few days before it'll come crashing down and I'll fall into the dark pit again.
What I'm trying to say is, don't take away people's only platform to rant their feelings. If you think we are "seeking attention" and that we should stop because "we aren't clinically depressed and aren't on medication every day", you most likely wouldn't be able to say the same when you see us in person. It would be as if those tweets or statuses didn't exist. Most of the time, we just wanna vent our thoughts without caring about who will see what we wrote. So no, we aren't always seeking attention, and even if we were, why is that a bad thing? Why is it that people with depression are encourage to seek help but when it comes to us "normal depressed folk", we aren't entitled to?
My thoughts are really messy right now, I can't think straight.
Even though I don't think about dying every day, and I'm not in pain every day, when it comes, it hurts. "It" as in the wave of sadness and despair. I've spent countless nights crying, sometimes loud enough to be heard from outside yet when I got older, no one bothered to knock on my door and ask if I'm okay. There were times I couldn't handle the sadness and wanted to let the physical pain take over, yet being the coward that I was, instead of taking a blade to the arm, I used a thumbtack instead and pierced my arm not too deep but deep enough to draw a little bit of blood and leave scars. Sometimes I'd accidentally forget about the scars and wear short sleeved shirts, but whilst I would eventually realise that my scars were visible, no one ever asked about them.
I try to be happy for everyone's sake, I really do. But it's hard.
It's so hard to keep smiling and texting as if everything's okay. I don't even know if my efforts are worth it to be honest since no one cares about me anyway.
I don't know.
If one day, I finally have the courage to leave this world on my own accord, I hope that someone will find this blog post of mine and hopefully be able to understand why I chose to leave the way I did.
But until then, I'll just have to deal with whatever comes my way, I guess.
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