Jealous

I'm jealous. Of whom? I shall not speak of the person's name but what I will say is that it's a 
"she". And before you jump into a conclusion which involves me having a crush on someone who's taken and that's why I'm jealous of a girl, let me just clarify that this has nothing to do with a boy. 
(plus the only people I have a crush on right now are either woobin or woohyun who don't even know I exist *coughs coughs* )

This person.. She's not perfect but I can't help but feel a little bit jealous just BECAUSE she isn't perfect. Despite all of her flaws, I somehow managed to make myself become jealous of her. Why? I mean why the hell would I be jealous of someone whose flaws may just scare away the next person that walks by?

BECAUSE. Because I envy how even though she's been bullied, teased, had her confidence shattered many times etc, she's still a tough-spirited person who doesn't give a f*ck about her haters, who doesn't care about embarrassing herself in front of others, who has loads of connections despite her bad rep, who... I can't do this, I just can't continue because the more I write the more pathetic I feel.

She's someone I want to become but never will and seeing her every freaking monday-friday just kills me because looking at her is a constant reminder of how I will never become someone like her ( well, leaving out her flaws and all ). Even on weekends, seeing her facebook updates and the comments she gets from people who I've always thought could make great acquaintances but I know would never feel the same way about me is quite annoying. 

I'm just sick of being jealous of someone else's life all the time. I wish I could turn my life around but I know I'm not capable of doing that here. Maybe when I go to college one day but there's a long way to go before that. For now, I kinda have to accept my fate as the pushover, the girl who got embarrassed and bullied, the quiet one, the ugly one blah blah blah whatever. Can fate get any more annoying.

If my life could change once I'm out of this stupid high school filled with the most obnoxious people I've ever met, then that'd be awesome. Really, really awesome.

EDIT 10 | 01 | 2018: Oh God Oh God Oh GOD...

As cringy as these posts are, I have to hold myself back from deleting them because I remember deleting old posts and regretting them a few years later.

I think I can assess how much I've grown from these blog posts of mine. I mean I haven't grown much, I'm still as self-centred as ever, still as bitchy as ever, but with minor improvements. I think. What am I even saying right now...

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CONFLICTS

Conflicts often occur when you're in a group situation.

Hey blog, I'm sorry to have neglected you for so long. Today I'm going to talk about the conflicts I've been facing lately in school.
You see, ever since I've changed classes (against my will), I've been forced to adapt to new surroundings, new personalities, new.. everything. It's been 2 months now and I find myself struggling to adapt to everything "new" that's been thrown at me.

To be frank, I'm quite used to my old surroundings, heck I've been in the same surroundings for 3 years so that's normal of me. Seeing the same faces, same personalities, being surrounded by the people who understood me for 3 years. How comfortable those times were.

Those comfy days are long gone now.

The people who understood me were in a different class as I was, the old faces I've gotten familiar with are slowly leaving, one by one thus leaving me in a strange environment with strange new people - People who found me to be either annoying or weird, people who don't want to understand the way I function as a human being, people who'd rather hang on to the past than accept people like me etc.

It's frustrating, really.

Let's get into the main reason why I wanted to create this post.

Being a student, merit points or any points at all are quite important to me. I try to gain as many as possible because it's better to have many points as backup in case I screw up and the teachers decided to deduct some of my points. This gives me room to make mistakes, which sorta eases my nerves a little.

Having said that, I decided to earn merit points by joining this group activity in which our job was to decorate the notice boards in the English lab due to the horrendous job the last group of, err,  "decorators" made. IMO, they made the boards look boring and unappealing. Here's where the conflict starts.

A girl and I (there are 6 girls in total) wanted to have a British sort of vintage theme to give the English lab a classy, elegant vibe. I mean, we ARE using British English and worshipping anything that has to do with British English instead of American English. Even the teacher herself said she prefers British English over any other species (heh) of English.
BUT the problem is that the remaining girls wanted to do this cartoonish theme instead.

I mean seriously, a cartoonish theme for the English lab? A place where important teachers come and go almost every day? A place where students go for English lessons? It seems to me that they aren't appealing to the majority of people in this school but rather, themselves. It pleases them to use a cartoonish theme because they LIKE it, but have they ever thought of whether or not others would like it? Where is the sense of maturity high schoolers are supposed to have?

And of course since this is a democratic group and majority wins, we're going with the cartoonish theme with a plain twist to it, that is cartoonish titles with articles sporting plain fonts stapled underneath. But do I have a say? No because any opinions I have on the matter are swept beneath the rug forcing me to act as if I agree and have no objections. Plus any objections I make would ruin my image as "the kind girl who is a pushover".

Now now, THAT was sarcasm. I don't mind a single bit if my image was tarnished due to my objections so long as I'm comfortable with doing this GROUP PROJECT. EMPHASIS ON THE WORD "GROUP". However, if I am to adapt to these new surroundings and make new friends, I've realised that I should swallow my words for the time being.

Man do I feel like quitting. I've thought about this once or twice. The merit points are tempting to be very very honest... But is this really worth me pulling out my hair over? Is it? I've never been one to do something I didn't like doing, should I give in?

QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS but no answers are thrown. Looks like I'll have to think this over.

sigh, if only I were in my older surroundings, if only I'd appreciated what was given to me back then.


TO BE CONTINUED__________________?

EDIT 10 | 01 | 2018: Oh god, I was such a... bitch back then. I mean I still am now but wow old Jojo. 

In the end, things turned out quite well. Different from what I had envisioned but still, not too bad. We even got praised from our English teacher.

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