Jealous

I'm jealous. Of whom? I shall not speak of the person's name but what I will say is that it's a 
"she". And before you jump into a conclusion which involves me having a crush on someone who's taken and that's why I'm jealous of a girl, let me just clarify that this has nothing to do with a boy. 
(plus the only people I have a crush on right now are either woobin or woohyun who don't even know I exist *coughs coughs* )

This person.. She's not perfect but I can't help but feel a little bit jealous just BECAUSE she isn't perfect. Despite all of her flaws, I somehow managed to make myself become jealous of her. Why? I mean why the hell would I be jealous of someone whose flaws may just scare away the next person that walks by?

BECAUSE. Because I envy how even though she's been bullied, teased, had her confidence shattered many times etc, she's still a tough-spirited person who doesn't give a f*ck about her haters, who doesn't care about embarrassing herself in front of others, who has loads of connections despite her bad rep, who... I can't do this, I just can't continue because the more I write the more pathetic I feel.

She's someone I want to become but never will and seeing her every freaking monday-friday just kills me because looking at her is a constant reminder of how I will never become someone like her ( well, leaving out her flaws and all ). Even on weekends, seeing her facebook updates and the comments she gets from people who I've always thought could make great acquaintances but I know would never feel the same way about me is quite annoying. 

I'm just sick of being jealous of someone else's life all the time. I wish I could turn my life around but I know I'm not capable of doing that here. Maybe when I go to college one day but there's a long way to go before that. For now, I kinda have to accept my fate as the pushover, the girl who got embarrassed and bullied, the quiet one, the ugly one blah blah blah whatever. Can fate get any more annoying.

If my life could change once I'm out of this stupid high school filled with the most obnoxious people I've ever met, then that'd be awesome. Really, really awesome.

EDIT 10 | 01 | 2018: Oh God Oh God Oh GOD...

As cringy as these posts are, I have to hold myself back from deleting them because I remember deleting old posts and regretting them a few years later.

I think I can assess how much I've grown from these blog posts of mine. I mean I haven't grown much, I'm still as self-centred as ever, still as bitchy as ever, but with minor improvements. I think. What am I even saying right now...