Sadness?

Yesterday ( 18th of December 2017 )... SHINee's Jonghyun committed suicide.
May his soul rest in peace.
I'll save my thoughts on his passing away for a separate post because I need to get some stuff off of my chest first.

I don't have clinical depression. At least I think I don't based on what other people go through even though cases may vary between different people. Like there's always a reason for me being depressed, I don't need medication, and other stuff to prove that I don't have it. Yet whenever people like me who aren't diagnosed with clinical depression tweet or talk about being depressed, others would just think we are "attention seekers".

I can't speak for everyone but yes, whilst I do tweet about being depressed to "seek attention", I mostly do it to get rid of the negative energy building up inside of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and I'll continue to cry myself to sleep. But when morning comes, you won't be able to see the me who posted those tweets the night before because I- along with others - have noticed that when I'm depressed, I get super cheery the day after. Like, laugh-at-everything-even-the-non-funny-jokes type of "cheery".This momentum would last about a few days before it'll come crashing down and I'll fall into the dark pit again. 

What I'm trying to say is, don't take away people's only platform to rant their feelings. If you think we are "seeking attention"  and that we should stop because "we aren't clinically depressed and aren't on medication every day", you most likely wouldn't be able to say the same when you see us in person. It would be as if those tweets or statuses didn't exist. Most of the time, we just wanna vent our thoughts without caring about who will see what we wrote. So no, we aren't always seeking attention, and even if we were, why is that a bad thing? Why is it that people with depression are encourage to seek help but when it comes to us "normal depressed folk", we aren't entitled to?

My thoughts are really messy right now, I can't think straight.

Even though I don't think about dying every day, and I'm not in pain every day, when it comes, it hurts. "It" as in the wave of sadness and despair. I've spent countless nights crying, sometimes loud enough to be heard from outside yet when I got older, no one bothered to knock on my door and ask if I'm okay. There were times I couldn't handle the sadness and wanted to let the physical pain take over, yet being the coward that I was, instead of taking a blade to the arm, I used a thumbtack instead and pierced my arm not too deep but deep enough to draw a little bit of blood and leave scars. Sometimes I'd accidentally forget about the scars and wear short sleeved shirts, but whilst I would eventually realise that my scars were visible, no one ever asked about them. 

I try to be happy for everyone's sake, I really do. But it's hard.
It's so hard to keep smiling and texting as if everything's okay. I don't even know if my efforts are worth it to be honest since no one cares about me anyway.

I don't know.

If one day, I finally have the courage to leave this world on my own accord, I hope that someone will find this blog post of mine and hopefully be able to understand why I chose to leave the way I did. 

But until then, I'll just have to deal with whatever comes my way, I guess.

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Short Story based on my dream:

A dark, underground subway platform, its floors lined with equally distant squares of bricks that had dirt and plants in them, their heights reaching up to that of my waist. Not a very practical design, but they did give a touch of colour to the otherwise black and grey area.

I walked beside Zhao Tian Yu on the narrow walkway, a group of our peers following from behind. We were making small talk to pass the time in the dimly lit platform.

"How many watches do you have?" He asked, in our shared mother tongue that was Mandarin.

My brows wrinkled as I tried to recount the number. "Hmm, two I guess? But only one of them is functioning." He nodded his head at my reply and we continued walking, to where exactly was a mystery to me.

I didn't notice when he started to increase his pace until it was too late. In the span of a few minutes, Zhao Tian Yu went from walking by my side to running at full speed into the part of the platform that wasn't lit at all, leaving me behind without any sort of explanation as to his sudden behaviour whatsoever.

As shocked as I was, I quickly regained my senses and started to chase after him, my feet soon aching from the speed I was going. 

"Zhao Tian Yu! Zhao Tian Yu!" I yelled over and over again, in the hopes that he'd stop in his tracks, my energy depleting as I continued to do so. He however, kept on running ahead at the same speed, if not faster, as if my incessant screaming was either not loud enough to reach his ears, or not enough to make him snap out of whatever trance he was in. 

I watched helplessly as the darkness began to consume his tiny, advancing figure like a hungry monster devouring its first catch of the day and silently cursed myself for not being able to run any faster than I was, for it seemed as though I wasn't going to make it, wasn't going to save him from getting eaten. Eyes watery, hair messy, I fought against the urge to stop and pushed forward.

It didn't take long before he was completely out of my sight, much to my horror. I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to process the thought that he was gone. My sanity was slowly slipping away as I frantically tried to think of ways to get him back.

Just then, I heard a cry. "The wolf is coming!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and turned around to face the group of people who had trailed behind us in the beginning. Each and every one of them looked frightened upon hearing those words being uttered. Their loud chats quickly turned into quiet whispers, but instead of walking to safety, they simply stood in place, making me wonder if these people weren't as afraid as they seemed to be. 

My curiosity was satisfied when out of nowhere, a tiger appeared on the platform. Yes, a tiger. Its presence brought upon a calming effect to everybody which was evident by the loosened expressions on their faces. Well, everybody except me that is, for that friend of mine was still missing and a part of me told me that something awful was going to happen. No wonder they weren't scared of this "wolf" though, because a tiger was there to protect them.

The tiger roamed the platform aimlessly, the "wolf" nowhere in sight just yet. Was there even a wolf? Or was it just another case of "the boy who cried wolf"? I was agitated. My best friend was missing yet this "wolf" comes and jumbles up my thoughts even more, as if they weren't jumbled enough in the first place. 

Suddenly, I spotted 2 figures running towards us. A human figure and an animal one to be exact. The human was running at a lightning speed, making it almost impossible for me to get a good glimpse of his or her face. The animal's speed was no slower than the human's, the distance between them growing shorter with each second.

My heart leapt out of my chest when I was finally able to discern the human's face. It was none other than my missing best friend - Zhao Tian Yu, and the animal that was pursuing him was the wolf itself. 

Before I could do anything though, the wolf pounced onto him, bringing him to his knees and sank its teeth into him. I froze, not knowing how to react to the situation. A brave soul tried to pry the wolf off of him by putting his arms around its body and pulling it, but the bloody animal just wouldn't let go. Even as Zhao Tian Yu himself kept struggling to break free with a pained look, the wolf stuck to him like glue, refusing to give up on its prey.

The blood trickling down his arm was enough to trigger something within me. An overwhelming feeling of anger soon replaced that of despair, and forthwith I chanted what seemed to be a spell in a foreign language. It felt like I was being possessed at the spur of the moment.

The next thing I knew, we were back to seconds before the wolf's attack happened. When the wolf was about to make its move, I hurriedly pointed my wand - which origins were not of my knowledge - at it. Instantly, the brave soul from before body slammed the wolf and 
subdued it just before it could get to Zhao Tian Yu as the latter came to a halt, his knees giving way the moment he stopped. A few people came to his aid, lifting his head up to let him breathe more easily as well as checking on his condition.

I observed him from afar, the light shining down on his face making it clear for me to see, not wanting to go over just yet. The guilt from almost losing him was eating away at me from the inside. What if I hadn't been lucky? Would he be... dead? Was I really that useless of a friend?

And where was the tiger when you needed it anyway?

Closing my eyes, I decided it was my turn to be ingested by the monster.

The monster that was darkness.

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Update 04 | 09 | 2017

Hi.

It's the night before the start of uni and I decided, hey, why not write a blog post before I go to sleep since I probably wouldn't be able to sleep anyway even if I went to bed early.

My thoughts are quite jumbled right now so this post is going to be much more random and messier than my last few posts, as if they weren't random and messy as well, heh.

A2 was... to say the least, a fairly okay ride. I did not have as much breakdowns as I was expecting myself to have since A Levels is notorious for being hard. Admittedly, I got very very scared when I failed my mocks just a month before the actual exam and those were when my breakdowns would happen but other than that, it was a pretty smooth first half of the year.

Wow, let's talk about results day shall we? It was a day which started off fine, I went to Midvalley in the afternoon, had an expensive lunch which hurt my purse and my poor heart ( I had no choice as I went with my friend and her friends whom were craving western food ), then queued up at Chizu for almost an hour just to get a drink ( in my defence, there was a buy 1 free 1 offer ). Just before I got to order my drinks though, the people before me were so slow that I couldn't help but get frustrated since it was time for us to collect our results.

I remember that moment very clearly, the moment I waited in queue to collect my results. There were surprisingly only 3 people before me, unlike the last time when I waited at the back of the room for my turn. As I stepped up to take the results slip from the lecturer who sat in front of me, my heart was pounding in my chest. It wasn't until I saw her smile and congratulate me when I finally let go of the breath I didn't even know I was holding, and took a glance at the slip.

3 Bs. 

I hid the smile that started to creep onto my face, refusing to leave no matter how hard I tried, behind the piece of paper, out of consideration for those who weren't as pleased with their results as I was. To many, 3 Bs might be disappointing, but to me it was enough. Flashbacks to the days where I would come out of the exam hall feeling like I did not do that well, feeling as if the highest I would score was a C, as well as feeling really tired and useless came to mind. Indeed, 3 Bs was beyond my expectations.

I was satisfied with my own results, yet the people around me... weren't.

"How could you aim so low?"

"No As?"

"But your friend got As."

I bet the ones who said that to me to this day don't know, how rough the night was for me.
Truth be told, I wanted to end it all then and there, but my own cowardice held me back. 
So, since I couldn't do what I didn't have the guts to do, I searched for an alternative: I decided to let the physical pain override the emotional one. Yet, even that didn't do the trick.

To this day, I feel like a part of me died that night. 

You might think I'm being over-dramatic but... Results days have always been my weakness since they all ended with me sinking into despair during the night, all because the people around me weren't satisfied with my results when I was fine with them. I thought that since I got 3 Bs this time, the day wouldn't end the same way as when I got my results for SPM and AS.

What a silly thought.

Anyway, I'm sorry for such a heavy update. I usually get very emo during the night. 

I want to end this post on a positive note...

Worry not, as I'll try harder to become a stronger person, I promise.

And to the people who are going through what I am going through, I can't promise you that things will get better, because even I'm not so sure of that, but all I can say is: Live for yourself, not for others, which is basically: be selfish if you have to. That's how I survived that hell of a week and I hope that it will help you survive as well.

Let's hope the next post will be a happier one, shall we?

Till the next one,

Bye!

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