Failed.

Yeah, I failed Chemistry. This... is the first time I've ever failed a test, and the feeling isn't great.

As exams neared, I always joked about wanting to throw the tests and fail, never fully believing that I would actually fail. Now that I have, it's like I've been slapped in the face with my own laziness. I thought I did well enough to pass Chemistry but apparently I didn't and now I'm facing the consequences of my procrastination. Here's a tip people: Do NOT start studying the day before the actual test because luck isn't always going to be on your side, it certainly wasn't on mine that day.

When I found out that I had failed Chemistry, I was very out of the zone at first. I kept spacing out and worrying in class and there's this girl who would mock me and ask " are you daydreaming?" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Said girl later mocked me when I was losing at chess which made me even more frustrated because girl, I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT. I JUST SAID THAT I'VE FAILED CHEMISTRY, DO YOU NOT GET IT? NO I'M NOT DAYDREAMING, I'M INTERNALLY BEATING MYSELF UP FOR GETTING AN F SO WOULD YOU STOP MOCKING ME AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS? 

When I got home, I decided it would be best to break the news of my failure to my parents over the phone as I couldn't do it face-to-face or I would start to cry and I didn't want them to see that. So I called my mum first and told her that I've failed Chem and immediately after that I started to cry but I tried to keep my voice together so that she wouldn't noticed. She comforted me and we talked a little. I then told her that I wouldn't be going to school for the next 2 days since the teachers weren't going to teach or come to class anyways and she said:" see this is why you have bad grades because you're always skipping school. " What? I JUST told her that the teachers weren't going to come to class and it's not like I always skipped school when they did! 

The other reason for me wanting to skip school is because I'm running away from the reality of it all. I still haven't received my Physics test papers yet and I'm afraid that if I do, and if I failed Physics too, then I wouldn't be able to handle it right then and there. I've slightly managed to keep my cool in school yesterday but there's no telling if I would be able to do it again if I get another F. I've cried in school before and I'm not going to do it again. 

After I told my mum, I called my dad and told him that I've failed Chem and at first he was disappointed- I could hear it from the way he spoke -but then he started to ask questions and I answered, all the while trying to hide the fact that I'd started to cry again. We talked and I told him that I was going to skip school for the next 2 days as well as explained the reasons for my decision and you know what he said? He said: " It's no wonder you got bad grades when you keep skipping school like this. " HELLO? What's up with parents and them NOT LISTENING TO YOUR PERFECTLY GOOD REASONS? I am not the type of person to skip school for no good reason before my final exams end and my parents seemed to have conveniently forgotten that. 

And to all the parents out there, newsflash: NOT ALL TEACHERS ARE GOOD IN TEACHING, AKA even if your child goes to school EVERY SINGLE DAY, chances are that they wouldn't gain any knowledge because THEIR TEACHER(S) SUCKS AT TEACHING. Here's my list of teachers who've failed to make me (more) knowledgeable in the past few months: Chemistry, Physics, BM, Maths/Add Maths. Notice what they have in common? THEY ARE TEACHING IMPORTANT SUBJECTS YET THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TEACH WELL.

Anyway, my dad did eventually comfort me when he came home and told me to not be so hard on myself as well as nagged me to watch less tv shows and study hard while my mum did/said nothing, all of which I'm grateful for because if they dwell on the topic for too long, I think I'd start to cry ( yeah I'm a crybaby ).


So.





I'm not coping well as of now but... I'll be fine. 







Eventually.



*If I do/do not fail Physics, I'll write it down below. 




UPDATE: I got a D for Physics.

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Luhan.

...where do I begin? 

So yesterday, 10th of October 2014, Luhan filed a lawsuit against SMent and requested for the nullification of his contract. 
I found out about his lawsuit when whilst I was scrolling through instagram, I noticed many people commenting on a D.O fanpage about how D.O "shouldn't let Luhan go" or how he should "stop Luhan from leaving" (the commenters thought that that was D.O's real account so..) And I remember thinking to myself:" Why is everyone still believing in those silly rumours? Our Luhan isn't going anywhere.". Yet, after thinking such thoughts, I started to doubt myself.

So I went on soompi and the page wasn't fully ,loaded yet, but on the top of the page I managed to see a picture of what I presumed was  Luhan's growl era hairstyle (again, the page wasn't fully loaded yet so all I could see was his hair). Surprise surprise, I was right.

To cut things short, I read the article, found out about the lawsuit and his departure and from then on I continued to mutter the word "no" over and over again because I was in self-denial mode. I went on twitter to see people flooding my timeline with tweets about Luhan along with the hashtag #alwayssupportLuhan at the end of (almost) every tweet. Everything was just... overwhelming. It's like what happened with Kris is happening all over again.

I don't want this post to be too long (because I have a lot of thoughts on my mind regarding this issue but putting them into comprehensible sentences... that would be a tough job) so I'll just cut to the chase, to why I decided to write about this in the first place.

A post for Luhan.


Dear our deer, Luhan,

I knew of your existence before I even became a fan of exo as your name kept popping up on twitter, facebook and other social media sites. You were so popular back then and you still are now. However, your popularity wasn't the reason why I made you my bias.
Admittedly, you weren't my first bias in exo, (it was Kyungsoo) but as I slowly got to see more video clips of you and hear more of your angelic voice, I couldn't help but start to like you more and more. 
As I continued to be a fan of you, I realised that another thing that made me like you was how proud you were to be Chinese. As a Chinese myself, I felt really insecure because us Chinese always get looked down upon and treated unfairly, and the fact that I suck at speaking as well as writing in Mandarin kind of worsened my already low self-esteem. But then you came along and showed me that yes we Chinese can be capable of achieving our goals  as well as showed me the beauty of learning Mandarin, even though it is a really really hard language to master. Thanks to you, I feel like all these years of learning Mandarin have finally paid off because of the way you embrace the language and the way you use it to communicate with your fans despite the fact that you are also quite fluent in the Korean language. 
There are an innumerable amount of other things that I like about you, Lu ge but alas, I am unable to express them in words. And it is because of this, how fond I am over you that I am quite unwilling to let you go, yet at the same time I feel like the choice you made was quite appropriate, given the fact that your health is rapidly deteriorating and that you feel like your company has committed a great injustice. 

I wish you the best Luhan, and hopefully I'll be able to hear from you again in the near future. It's a selfish request, I know and I'm sorry but I can't help but make it, you've become a part of my life ever since I started to become a fan of exo. To never be able to hear from you again after getting accustomed to having every single thing you do being spread all over twitter, it's... saddening. At least a picture or two or even a status update would suffice. 

Continue to pursue your dreams Lulu, because us fans will have your back through every step of the way. 

Till you- our bambi, our former vocalist, our Jack Frost- reappear, be it on social media or on the big screen, I bid you a farewell. 


Love ya, Luhaen.
x.

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