Failed.

Yeah, I failed Chemistry. This... is the first time I've ever failed a test, and the feeling isn't great.

As exams neared, I always joked about wanting to throw the tests and fail, never fully believing that I would actually fail. Now that I have, it's like I've been slapped in the face with my own laziness. I thought I did well enough to pass Chemistry but apparently I didn't and now I'm facing the consequences of my procrastination. Here's a tip people: Do NOT start studying the day before the actual test because luck isn't always going to be on your side, it certainly wasn't on mine that day.

When I found out that I had failed Chemistry, I was very out of the zone at first. I kept spacing out and worrying in class and there's this girl who would mock me and ask " are you daydreaming?" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Said girl later mocked me when I was losing at chess which made me even more frustrated because girl, I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT. I JUST SAID THAT I'VE FAILED CHEMISTRY, DO YOU NOT GET IT? NO I'M NOT DAYDREAMING, I'M INTERNALLY BEATING MYSELF UP FOR GETTING AN F SO WOULD YOU STOP MOCKING ME AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS? 

When I got home, I decided it would be best to break the news of my failure to my parents over the phone as I couldn't do it face-to-face or I would start to cry and I didn't want them to see that. So I called my mum first and told her that I've failed Chem and immediately after that I started to cry but I tried to keep my voice together so that she wouldn't noticed. She comforted me and we talked a little. I then told her that I wouldn't be going to school for the next 2 days since the teachers weren't going to teach or come to class anyways and she said:" see this is why you have bad grades because you're always skipping school. " What? I JUST told her that the teachers weren't going to come to class and it's not like I always skipped school when they did! 

The other reason for me wanting to skip school is because I'm running away from the reality of it all. I still haven't received my Physics test papers yet and I'm afraid that if I do, and if I failed Physics too, then I wouldn't be able to handle it right then and there. I've slightly managed to keep my cool in school yesterday but there's no telling if I would be able to do it again if I get another F. I've cried in school before and I'm not going to do it again. 

After I told my mum, I called my dad and told him that I've failed Chem and at first he was disappointed- I could hear it from the way he spoke -but then he started to ask questions and I answered, all the while trying to hide the fact that I'd started to cry again. We talked and I told him that I was going to skip school for the next 2 days as well as explained the reasons for my decision and you know what he said? He said: " It's no wonder you got bad grades when you keep skipping school like this. " HELLO? What's up with parents and them NOT LISTENING TO YOUR PERFECTLY GOOD REASONS? I am not the type of person to skip school for no good reason before my final exams end and my parents seemed to have conveniently forgotten that. 

And to all the parents out there, newsflash: NOT ALL TEACHERS ARE GOOD IN TEACHING, AKA even if your child goes to school EVERY SINGLE DAY, chances are that they wouldn't gain any knowledge because THEIR TEACHER(S) SUCKS AT TEACHING. Here's my list of teachers who've failed to make me (more) knowledgeable in the past few months: Chemistry, Physics, BM, Maths/Add Maths. Notice what they have in common? THEY ARE TEACHING IMPORTANT SUBJECTS YET THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TEACH WELL.

Anyway, my dad did eventually comfort me when he came home and told me to not be so hard on myself as well as nagged me to watch less tv shows and study hard while my mum did/said nothing, all of which I'm grateful for because if they dwell on the topic for too long, I think I'd start to cry ( yeah I'm a crybaby ).


So.





I'm not coping well as of now but... I'll be fine. 







Eventually.



*If I do/do not fail Physics, I'll write it down below. 




UPDATE: I got a D for Physics.